


MAGNETIC

by galateabellator



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: F/M, Implied Relationships, Romance, Romantic Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-29
Packaged: 2018-03-22 00:01:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3707989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galateabellator/pseuds/galateabellator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's hard to love Commander Handsome when you are in Aurora Amsel's skin. This is their story.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Those Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thinking about past can ruin you.

MAGNETIC - Those Memories (pt. 1)  
by galateabellator, Aug 5, 2014, 6:54:21 PM  
Literature / Fan Fiction / Romance

**PART 1 - Those Memories - Erwin x OC**

I was in the office until late afternoon, reading the reports squad left for me that morning. Some of those papers were splendidly written, beautifully done, while the others were rushed up and messy - and I’ve already had trouble focusing. I’ve barely managed to read certain hand-writings, so sorting out words was a bit of a problem to me as I’ve lost wast amount of time in the process. Not to mention my nerves. I’ve had a lot of reasons to be nervous lately, and this was just another addition to the pile. 

When you are appointed leader of particular section in the Scouting legion, you don’t have a much of a choice. It’s rather a simple thing - you get your orders from your higher ups, and fulfill them without complaints. It’s either that, or you lose your position - which would be a complete disaster to someone like me. I can’t afford to lose my place after all the efforts I've provided to get it. Besides, going back to my home… would mean that I am an utter failure. 

I stretched my arms and legs, taking a more comfortable pose in my chair, ignoring the slight pain in my back. It appeared due to long hours I’ve spent in this office, reading and figuring out information my squad was gathering. I had to remind myself that I am not getting any younger, despite my good genes, young looks and good health. Being in the late thirties and looking a decade younger definitely had it’s benefits, but my health will start deteriorating if I don’t do something about it. For example, going out once in a while. That would be nice for a change, and I wouldn't be pale as a ghost. 

I sighed, adding another finished report to the pile I’ve read. I gazed upon the open window for a millionth time since this morning. 

The day was beautiful, filled with the golden rays of the Sun, and cold breeze, which occasionally blew to refresh the warmth of a hot summer. I couldn’t go out before I finish all the work I had to do, but I profoundly desired to walk through the nearby woods, to feel the mixture of a soft, thick grass and a raw, muddy soil under my bare feet. I wanted to enjoy the quality of air, released by the pine trees, and to let the sun shine through my untied hair. (My braid started to bore me, I was on the verge of cutting it off before I’ve realized, once again, that it would be a waste). I also wanted to remove my uniform and my 3DMG equipment, and move easier. To feel lighter. Everything was so heavy with these straps, and steel wires, and the gear mechanisms. 

Among many things I’ve desired… was to wear a dress. Oh, how I missed that. It’s been a while since the last time I wore one - on Erd Gin’s wedding, if I remember correctly. What a joyful day it has been - mid July and everyone was so happy… soldiers had a reason to drink, to relax, to wear civil clothes and be only humans for an entire day. Being the human kind protector and defender was exhausting enough for the rest of our time, so we didn’t have many reasons to behave like we didn’t have a care in the world… but that wedding… all weddings generally… were the sign of hope. Especially for soldiers. 

Erd was a good example of how love prevails, in the end. He dared to do what others couldn’t – to start a family. To love someone and let someone love him back. Other soldiers didn’t want to bond. Many chose celibacy because they didn’t know when they will die. Erwin thought that way too, even in time he was in love the most. His rationality would always win over his feelings. But Erd, on the other side, let his heart decide. I would say it was astounding. Brave. And beautiful. However, all that’s beautiful and good perishes easily in one dark, cruel moment. 

What a tragedy he’s no longer with us. We could have celebrated his wedding anniversaries, or the birth of his children. Instead, we wept over his shallow grave, since the body couldn’t have been retrieved. Not a part of him was left for her… his poor widow. She didn’t even get an arm to bury, like Moses’s mother did. In this world, life is cruel, and love is a painful luxury we can’t afford. If we had feelings, we had to suppress them. If we loved, we had to hide it… because we got nothing from our foolish desires.

The knock on the door was loud and impatient. 

“Come in, cadet Rothstein,” I said, recognizing him before he entered the room. Kirk was among the impatient ones in our unit, and knocked on doors in a very specific way.

“The delivery for you, Major, ”he said, handing me a small box, wrapped with rope. “It arrived a few moments ago.” 

“Thank you, Rothstein. You may go now.”

He saluted, and left me a with package. It’s been sent from the Capital, Mitras, and probably contained letters and gifts from my parents. I’ve decided to open it up later, when I finish the job. That could wait… my duties couldn’t. 

Therefore, I’ve signed some requests, and approved some pleas. I’ve also brought some decisions regarding the schedule for patrolling and regarding the daily duties of my people. I’ve sorted out the reports and addressed them to the Central Unit, to our supreme commander. 

It was really just another boring day in the North Unit, the smallest and the most secretive part of the Scouting legion. We spied over suspicious civilians or conducted experiments with Hanji’s team. We spied over shady members of the Military Police or Garrison as well, and reported back to Erwin. Other Units mostly weren’t aware of our true duties. That way, Erwin always had eyes within the remaining two Walls, and in the Underground District. (It also meant he was always one step ahead other military commanders). 

Our domain was also the Utopia District, where we held Annie Leonhardt, the famous Female Titan. After the capture, she became our priority. We closely worked with the Military Police members on that matter. We had to supervise her condition, her behavior. To report any changes that occurred. 

Unfortunately, there haven’t been any so far… she was still willingly trapped in her crystal, in a self-inflicted comatose state. What a smart girl. And what a boring task for me. I wanted to do something better than control that sleeping goldilocks, but my orders were very specific. 

The Commander did it on purpose, I guess. I shouldn’t take it personally, he always does things that way… but when he named me Mayor, he put me in unit which didn’t do much of a scouting, so I had to feel a bit… tricked by commander Smith. I mean, I am in recon corps, for a God’s sake. I should be in missions beyond the walls all the time. But my father probably asked Erwin to keep me away from danger, and Erwin probably obeyed. He always wanted to do the right thing, either this or that way. What a foolish man. I could make my own choices well, but he didn’t seem to respect me enough to actually allow me to make them. 

Erwin always tried to do the best thing for me instead. 

My parents were friends with his family for the longest time, and I met him when I was just a little girl. He was well- mannered, very polite and respectful, he behaved perfectly. I’ve never seen anyone that calm and composed, in any situation. Erwin was the definition of coolness, and received any news with a stoic attitude and cold expression.

I won’t call him emotionless, because he was far from it… but he could remain silent and look indifferent in all kinds of disturbing situations. That’s the quality of a leader, after all, and Erwin was a natural born leader. He looked intimidating, like a threatening authority figure, but underneath all of that, he had a heart of gold. He still does. He is one of those people who have a vision, who always look for a bigger picture and a higher motive, who fight for higher goals and are ready to sacrifice everything to let the justice prevail. He appreciates justice and freedom above everything else… he believes that humanity can win this horrible war and win against giants. He also puts all of his heart and his mind into this fight, and I know he’s simply willing to offer his life for humanity, if needed.

He wanted to be free. He always felt like… he was trapped, or limited…  because we all were. He was choking, and so were all of us, either we were conscious about it or not. We were caged and kept like experimental rats, and for what? Who could answer that question? I didn’t know. I just felt I needed an answer. A change. Anything. I wanted to go out. To see the rest of the world. Erwin’s father told us a lot about it, from books he once possessed. It inspired both of us, greatly… and we decided to join the Scouting Legion, once we were old enough to enroll. That place offered a chance to make a change we desired so much. Especially after Erwin got into it. He always had the greatest ideas and the power to realize them. 

Erwin became soldier first, of course. He was older, and it was expected. I was constantly writing to him when he was absent, asking for him to describe me the military from inside, first handed. He did, and was quite honest about everything. My parents weren’t happy at all when they heard that I wanted to become a soldier too, especially in the Scouting Legion. Those were really hard times, and I fought them both a lot because they didn’t want to let me go. I was safe in the Wall Sina. I was born in a noble family, with good income and surrounded with beautiful things and luxury. I had friends and family who loved me. Why would I throw it all away for a poor life, full of danger and death? Why would I give up on fortune, and expose myself to monsters which I could have avoided for my entire lifetime? Why would I risk it all? 

To everyone else, I’d say… for freedom. For humanity. But deep inside, one voice would whisper… for Erwin, and Erwin alone. I was mesmerized by him, after all. He was strong, magnetic, and had a charisma which was hard to resist. I fell for him long time ago, and I would follow him whenever he went, even if he chose not to commit to anyone because of his job. I loved him for years, decades now… but I knew I couldn’t have him. He decided to stay alone, and I would just ruin my friendly relationship with my Commander if I ever directly told him how I felt.

It’s not like he wasn’t already aware. He is a very perceptive man, very clever… but we rarely spoke about those things. We remained what we are… friends, and comrades, and maybe it was for the best. 

I opened the package. It was from my parents indeed, as I’ve already predicted… and they’ve sent me some food, clothes, coffee and a letter which made me both happy and annoyed me at same time. I loved to hear from them, but they always, always asked from me to retire from the military and go back to the Capital. It wasn’t too late to get married and have children, they said. There was still time to go back to my old life, and live like a proper, fair lady which I was supposed to became anyway, before I went to the military.

I’ve made myself a cup of coffee, enjoying the bitter-sweet taste. It brought many memories back. Memories which included both of my parents. I recalled the image of my father, who used to sit near the large window in our reception room, slowly moving back and forth in his rocking chair. Mother would stand near her silver lectern, the musical sheets in her hand. She often practiced her breathing and other techniques required for perfect vocal performance. It was all she lived for, sometimes. Opera. The theater. The audience. Once, she wanted the same thing for me. It was an utter disappointment to them after I revealed my plans for the future.

It's needless to say… that they never forgave me for going into Recon Corps.

Well, it’s not like it was a big deal, since my dear Commander rose me to the rank of Major and gave me the North Unit to lead. We hardly did any scouting beyond the Walls, and I really hated him for it. He did it to protect me, I know that. But, I can’t be grateful when he went over my own will, and denied me my wish, while he kept going out, constantly exposing himself to danger which he protected me from. It was selfish. And rude. 

The coffee turned cold before I even noticed it, and I couldn’t drink it that way. I kept reading that letter, still disturbed by my mother’s words. She found me a match. Another one. A nobleman who wanted to marry me and she’d already arranged a meeting. After all, I was famous in Sina as one of the most beautiful women, even now, in my late thirties, and despite the scar wound I had on my face, under my left eye. 

But, I didn’t hate that scar. I gained it against the first Aberrant I killed outside the Walls. Erwin helped me take it down, saving me a lot of trouble… and after that, he treated my wound with unusual kindness. I was sad, thinking how that mark made me ugly, disfigured… but Erwin told me something which made me accept my new appearance easier.

“Wear it with pride. You fought a devious type of Titan, and you survived.” 

“But, I look… I look terrible,” I almost sobbed after the first shock, refusing to look upon my own reflection in the mirror. It was anomaly on my face, I thought I’d never get used to it. 

“You look just fine to me,” he touched the scar, caressing the tissue with his thumb. “In fact… I think you look better now. That scar tells a story.” 

“You are just comforting me,” I stated.

“I am not. I am being completely honest.” 

I was staring in his piercing, blue, blue eyes. I wanted to cry, but was too ashamed to do so in front of him. He leaned and removed the lock of my wavy hair from my face, and pressed his lips against the scar. That kiss was light, and soft. It made my skin warm. He was so close I could smell his breath. I thought then… that I could have tried… to make him kiss me. Really kiss me, like lovers do. I wanted to run my fingers through his hair, and to hug him around his neck, and sit on his lap. I wanted him to kiss me so badly. I could have tried to pull all those things out… but I was a lady. Ladies don’t do those things, even when they are close to fulfillment of their darkest desires.

My friends, all those women who had already married and already had children, only made me feel worse. I chose military instead of love, even when I loved men who weren’t Erwin. I was very sad, knowing I could’ve had children, but… I couldn’t marry just… anyone. 

I tried, once. I was engaged for a nobleman, and successful man, named Franz Gilbert. He was good and he treated me nicely. I loved him too (not as much as I loved Erwin, that was a different kind of love… but I did love him), just… not as much as he loved me. So, I called the engagement off. I couldn’t lie to him, or to myself anymore. I was feeling like a liar. A traitor, even when I never betrayed him. But, I felt attracted to Erwin, and that felt… completely unfair towards Franz. I would’ve desired another man, all my life, while committing myself to someone else. It wasn’t right. Whenever I felt that strong urge towards Erwin… I knew I wouldn’t love another. Not in this lifetime.

So, I’ve chosen to be a soldier, and only a soldier. I didn’t need anything else when I was close to Erwin. I didn’t need luxury, a successful husband, or a safe, and good life. I’d rather be satisfied with a short life under his command, for a higher cause and with death in battle. I just needed to be near him… yet he drove me away. He sent me to lead this part of legion as soon as I’ve gathered enough experience and expertise. How selfish of him… again. 

I spilled the coffee in the sink, and washed the cup in the cold water. I heard another knock on the door, and it was Kirk Rothstein again. 

“Major Amsel?” he called. 

“Yes, cadet, you may come in,” I said, and he entered the room, followed by the tall, powerful figure. Speaking of the devil.

“Commander Smith is here to see you, ma’am,” Kirk simply reported, and Erwin Smith stepped into the light of my office, filling my stomach with anxiety. His presence was as magnetic as ever, and it took me a few seconds to stabilize my heartbeat. 

It has been a while since we saw each other, after all.

“We need to talk,” Commander spoke, and I nodded. 

“You may leave us, Rothstein,” I said, and Erwin moved, taking a sit in front of me.


	2. The Challenge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some requests need to be earned.

MAGNETIC - The Challenge (pt. 2)  
by galateabellator, Dec 23, 2014, 6:31:19 PM  
Literature / Fan Fiction / Romance

**PART 2 - The Challenge - Erwin x OC**

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Commander?” I asked, arranging all the reports on my desk. Although he was dashing sight, Erwin seemed tired and slightly troubled. The gravity of the situation that brought him all the way here must be big since he had to come in person. 

Surely, we had some serious topics to discuss, but nothing of such importance that he’d have to travel from one side of the Wall to another. A letter or two could suffice, but… it seemed that my superior wanted to talk about things which shouldn’t be written down. 

Commander took off his green cloak, placing it neatly on the chair behind him. 

”Can’t I just visit my old friend?” he responded with a question, the shade of a smile on his lips. 

“You want to tell me you’ve traveled across the 200 km of Wall Rose just to visit me? _Please_ , Commander… nobody comes to Utopia District unless they have to. So, what _truly_ brings you here?“

“Various reasons… but one of them _is_ you,” he admitted. However, I wasn’t foolish enough to delude myself with belief that this statement was romantic in any way. Still, it was nice to hear those words from him. And I was so glad that he’s decided to visit me after such a long time. 

“Well, your timing is great, considering that I’ve just finished revising reports,” I’ve said. “Will you read them now, or…?” 

“Let’s leave that for another day.” 

“As you wish, Commander.” I shrugged my shoulders. There goes all the hard work from today… 

He leaned across the table towards me.

“Drop the formalities already, Aurora. We are alone,” he requested, and I was the one who smiled this time. I loved the way he pronounced my name, for one. I also loved how he pulls the strings of our bond and implies our closeness every time he needs something. Naughty, naughty boy. I knew him better than he will ever figure.

“You don’t like when I call you like that, Erwin?” I teased, addressing him only by his name and looking straight into his eyes. “Whether you like it or not… you _are_ my Commander.” 

Like he needed a reminder, really. 

He stretched his arm towards me, and touched mine, wrapping his fingers between my own. Now, that wasn’t fair. He knew that I wasn’t indifferent to his touch. I guess he knew me better that I ever thought he would as well. We are the same when we play these foolish mind-games with each other. 

“I know, it’s just… the word itself suggests that you are my subordinate, yet I see you as an equal,” he clarified. My, my. Is this flattery I am hearing? He’s a real charmer, isn’t he? I raised an eyebrow, still smiling. His hand was large comparing to mine. I’ve played with his fingertips.

“Oh, it’s not too bad to be a Major, either. The gap between our ranks isn’t that big, so… it really shouldn’t bother you,” I’ve pointed out. “Besides… don’t you just love that word? ‘Commander’. It goes well with your last name. It suggests your powerful presence, and your strict attitude. It implies your abilities, and your posture. I think it’s the best word to describe you, and you’ve earned it with all that you did for our people.” 

“As strange as it is… I don’t find it as powerful as you do.”

“Well, you should.” 

“I prefer you call me by my first name, at least when we are alone.” He teased me back. 

We shared a certain look. It was filled with intense emotion I couldn’t explain. But, it was mutual. And here we are.

“As you wish, Erwin,” I’ve let go of his hand, ending this while I still have the upper hand. “Do you fancy a drink? I have this strong urge for coffee. Would you like some too?”

I’ve even managed to keep my straight face. Well done. 

“Sure. Thank you, Aurora.”

I wasn’t a girl anymore, and these things… hands, touching… shouldn’t make me blush. And luckily, they didn’t. But I swear to God, Erwin will be the death of me. 

When I’ve finished with making this hot drink, I’ve put his cup in front of him, and mine in front of me. It’s time to get professional. 

“Let’s get the briefing done, shall we? Ask me whatever you want to know, and I will fill you in. I will spare you of reading all those reports, because you’d lose a lot of time, and nerves along the way. I speak from experience.” 

“I appreciate your practical side. Did you make any progress with Annie Leonhardt? Were there any changes?” he asked, placing his only arm on my table, taking a cup between his fingers, and taking a sip. 

“To make the long story short… no. We didn’t. She won’t move, won’t wake up - nothing. She is still sleeping, and I don’t know if we should expect her to wake up at all,” I was honest. 

“You think she won’t?” 

“I don’t know _what_ to think. If I was in her place, I would just… sleep until my people arrive to save me, if that’s even an option. It’s the simplest and the easiest solution for her.”  

“It is,” he agreed. “And maybe it’s for the best. We aren’t sure who works with who anymore. The factions are in mess, and we have to question everyone, and anyone. Leonhardt… well, I doubt she would be particularly useful other than revealing who she was working with. And while I do need to know the name of her accomplice… everything else is pretty clear.” 

“Assuming the boys are telling truth, that is. I’ve had various ideas about how we could break that crystal of hers, but… that would require the large amount of strength and power. We could make Braun or Hoover to shift in dungeons, and break the crystal in their titan forms. They should have enough ability and strength to do it… shouldn’t they?”

“That crossed my mind, but I don’t trust they will do as they are told, especially when we put all the three of them together. They are a team - and I don’t want them to gather again. They might defy us, and use the opportunity to turn on us. Moreover, even if Braun and Hoover agree to cooperate, they might harm Leonhardt’s real body in the process. And in addition… those boys revealed all they knew. I doubt that Leonhardt could give us some new information, so… it won’t be necessary to forcefully drag her out of her sanctuary. And, as you already know… Hoover is too big in his Titan form - it’s too dangerous to let him shift while he is within Walls. I can’t risk another betrayal from his part. It’s better to wait until Leonhardt decides to get out on her own.”

“If she _ever_ decides to do that.” I was persistent. She will get out, but under what condition? 

“Yeah. Well, we can’t do anything about her now, other than observing her. Tell me… did our chameleons find anything suspicious among the humanity?” 

Chameleon soldiers are the best soldiers of the North Unit, trained spies and operatives who can blend in anywhere, and at anytime. I was in charge of all the operations they’ve been included in, and they’ve reported to me on Erwin’s behalf. 

Although it might sound impressive… it really wasn’t. We are bored most of the time, and our missions aren’t always exciting or even remotely dangerous. We are mostly in shadows, and we are known as Observing Unit. Erwin’s Eyes and Ears within Walls. Sworn to report only to him. Safe from other military affiliations. It was one of better ideas I’ve had at the time, and I’ve proposed to Erwin to form such a unit in hope he’d gain useful information from military and secure his own position. He liked the proposal… but I wasn’t counting he’d put me in charge of this sector. So basically, it was my own fault I’ve ended up here… but he was the one who made me a Major. He took extra-mural missions/scouting from me, and for that, I will always partially blame him. 

Back to work, Aurora. Don’t drift away. 

“Nothing serious, I am afraid. I believe we have a few corrupted lawyers and politicians who seem to be involved with the Wall Cultists – but nothing alarming. They know about the true contains of the Walls, which certainly makes them dangerous. They are also greedy, but the monarchy seems to have everything under control. The wall-clerics provide a certain amount of money in exchange for their silence, but the sums grow larger from time to time. Hence, there are quarrels and threats, but nobody died yet, and nobody told civilians about the grand secret.” 

Erwin was drinking his coffee, lost in thoughts. “Do you think the government can handle that matter without major scandals?” 

“I do, actually. They are well-organized, to my surprise. Of course, the Wall clerics also have some corrupted members, who take money from civilians and live against their faith’s code. Everywhere, you have opportunists and rioters. I also suspect that Darius Zackley has his own motives and that he is not someone we should trust, but again, it's just me. I need more proof on that matter, so I will stick to what I am certain of, and that is our own power. Where the monarchy fails, we possess information about those suspicious people and we can use those data anytime we see fit. And you know, we _could_ and _should_ blackmail all the rotten members of our society to gain the funds for future expeditions. We are short of resources.”

“You want us to be like them? Immoral?” he asked. 

“I want us to be smart, and to use all the options we are given,” I said. “Besides… you know we need the funding, you've made that clear a while ago.”

It was so complicated to be a member of the Scouting Legion sometimes. I was in favor of blackmail if that would provide us the necessary money for equipment, and horses. No one was innocent in this world, and since the higher-ups hold us in the dark most of the time, and hide the truth from us… we can retaliate by using their own dirty secrets against them. Maybe it is not honest, but it is a good idea. 

“That’s one of the things I wanted to talk about with you,” Erwin said, and I felt he was slightly uncomfortable with the subject we brought up. But, why would funding bother him more than…

“I’ve got the invitation for a certain event in the Capital…” he started, and I’ve already grimaced, realizing. No. _That’s why_ he got borderline-flirty with me. _That’s why_ he was so charming, and nice to me. I finally understood, and I felt silly for not realizing it sooner. 

“Erwin…” Out of all things… she just had to do this to me, did she? 

“There’s this performance in the Grand Opera House of Mitras. I assume you already know the details…” He was almost embarrassed. 

“I _do_. And no, I won’t go.” 

“She only wants to help our cause,” he tried to reason with me, with that measured tone in his voice. He knew that I’d react this way. He wanted to calm me down by using that calmed voice of his. Well, I am not a child. If I get upset, I am upset with a strong reason. I don’t need _Erwin Smith_ to calm me down like I was a spoiled little girl who over-reacts in times when she should remain silent and obedient. 

She wants to help? Right. That’s exactly what she wants him to believe, but I knew her true motives. I just didn’t expect she’d use Erwin to get to me, especially not in that manner. 

“No, Erwin, she doesn’t want to help the Survey Corps. You have to be _really narrow-minded_ to believe she suddenly became our supporter. She is _manipulating you to manipulate me_ into coming home, to Capital,” I said. “Why am I even telling this to you? You should already know how she thinks, for a God's sake.” 

I scolded him. He deserved it. Seriously, how can he be so blind? 

“I believe that Freja’s motives are true, and honest, and while she doesn’t particularly like the Scouting Legion, she cares a lot about humanity in general. She also cares a lot about you.”

“I don’t need you to tell me that, I know my mother.” 

I took a sip of coffee. “She wrote to you, didn’t she? Told you that she wants to hold this big performance, this… concert for the Grand Auditorium of Mitras. How clever, to use _you_ to get to me. Brilliant…” 

“You said you’d stoop to blackmail to get us funds, but you can’t go to your own mother’s concert?” he raised his thick eyebrows, turning the ceramic cup in his palm. Waiting. 

“I was invited, but she didn’t tell me she would dedicate that performance to soldiers, and organize the fund rising. She didn’t originally plan to donate _anything_ to Recon Corps! She got the idea along the way. She suddenly wants to raise funds for the Scouting Legion? She has never done something like that before!”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything.” He smiled. Erwin Smith friggin' _smiled to me_ , because I got angry.

“Come on. You aren’t buying this, are you?” Please. Come to your senses already, Erwin.

“I am willing to go to anything and go everywhere as long as the funds are raised. We are at critical point, and we need answers about this world, as well as of the outside world. So, yes. I am buying this, Aurora, and you should too.” 

I gave him one sharp, disappointed look. He leaned in that chair, like he conquered the world. This was _amusing_ to him. I can’t believe... 

“Erwin.”

“I will also go because I love Freja’s voice, she is extremely gifted opera-singer and I enjoy the characters she portrays on stage. I also think that, as her daughter, you should go to support her too. Make a public appearance and indulge her.”

“As dutiful, obedient daughter who also happens to be a member of the Scouting Legion. Of your legion. A Major as well. How convenient. You are no better than her, Erwin. You would parade me for the sake of your own goals.” I’ve crossed my arms and continued glaring at him. 

“I wouldn’t call it like that. But I am asking you to go to that event, for me as well as for Freja. We need all the money we can get. In your own words.” Yes, yes. I know. But still. 

“There’s a very narrow list of things I _wouldn’t_ do for you, Erwin… and this is one of them. Don’t abuse my devotion to you,” I warned him. I’ve reached for my pocket, searching for a cigarette. 

“Freja only wants to see her daughter. You were absent for months. It would mean a lot to her if you showed up. Where’s the harm in that?” 

Like you don’t already know, Commander. 

“She wants me to meet my next set of suitors. She wants to introduce me to all those men who are interested in me, and I grew tired of parading like a mascot for my mother’s wishes. She wants me to marry, to start a family, and to get out of the military. I am in no mood for hearing her stupidities,” I sighted. 

“Stupidities?” he repeated, looking straight into my eyes. “Well, maybe it isn’t such a bad idea to get married, Aurora. You would make a good wife.” 

He didn’t just tell this to me. I swear I didn’t hear him well.

“And since _when_ are you a fan of marriage, Erwin?” I asked, deeply disappointed by his words. 

“I am not. But you… you could find someone and start a family. You don’t have to follow my path,” he said, and those words felt like daggers in my stomach. 

“Well, you could get married too, but you didn’t. And if I can respect that choice, I ask of you to do the same for me,” I sounded colder than I intended to. And far more hurt than he should have noticed. “Also, the path I am walking is my own. I just happen to share some of your views on various matters along the way. Don’t be presumptuous, and don’t be arrogant with me.”

“I am sorry if I offended you. It was never my intention,” he was quick to offer his apology. “You don’t have to consider that idea if it bothers you so much. No marriage, and no suitors then. But go to that concert, at least for your comrades from the affiliation.”

At least for me, he wanted to say. 

“If she has told you that she is doing this for the Scouting Legion, she will raise the money and send it to you anyway. I don’t even have to go,” I reminded him.

“I would _like_ you to go. It’s been a while since we went to the Grand Opera House of Mitras, and I know how much you enjoy going there. Especially since you are a fan of their program. Don’t deny yourself a pleasure just to spite Freja.”

“Are you inviting me as a soldier, or as my friend?” I wanted to be sure. 

“As both. I want you to go with me, lady Amsel. Will you do me the honor?” he smiled warmly to me, and it wasn’t fair. I’d do almost anything for that smile. 

“We shall see. You need to deserve it first.” Because, no matter how much I loved Erwin, there were still some things I wouldn't accept easily, even if he asks for them. 

We’ve exchanged that meaningful, mutual look again.

“What shall I do? What do you have in mind?” my Commander asked, and in that moment, he’d do anything, or almost anything I would have asked of him. 

“Let’s play a game.”


	3. The Strange Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So close, and yet so far.

**_Warning! This chapter includes elements of SnK manga. If you haven't read it, this chapter might slightly surprise you, for it contains events from Erwin's past._ **

**PART 3 - The Strange Boy - Erwin x OC**

I’ve met Erwin Smith when we were very young – actually, when we were still small children. Our first encounter hasn’t been very promising, if we take into account that our parents wanted us to befriend each other. When the Smiths arrived, I was upstairs, and the nanny was braiding my hair, so I was late. Mother scolded me for being rude to guests, but Erwin’s father only smiled, and said that was no problem at all. Erwin was silent. I bowed down a little to both of them.

“Good afternoon,” I said. 

“Good afternoon, miss,” Erwin responded seriously, bowing down a bit too. “My name is Erwin Smith.” As expected. I was staring at his thick eyebrows before remembering that the staring at people, boys included, was rude. _The laughter was too_ , so I didn’t laugh either. I fought the urge, though.

“I am Aurora von Amsel. Nice to meet you.” I offered him my hand, expecting he will kiss it, but he just shook it instead. 

“Nice to meet you too,” he said. I doubted it. I think he might have even hated me a bit in that moment. His grip was firm, and his posture was prideful, even at that age. I nodded, and let go of his hand. And that was practically it. Our first conversation ended just like that.

The adults looked at us like we were… adorable, but there was nothing adorable about our mutual inconvenience. To be honest, I didn’t know what to talk about with that boy… or _any boy_ for that matter. I doubted the girly stuff such as dolls or dresses were interesting to him, not to mention mother’s singing lessons. Those bored me to death, yet alone someone like him. Also, he seemed like he didn’t want to talk to me either, so I didn’t bother to continue the conversation.

We were just sitting in silence, eating light cakes and drinking tea while the adults were discussing politics, and the society in general. I was looking through the window, looking at trees and birds, and… truly, anywhere but Erwin. Mother tried to make us talk, but we were both pretty stubborn.

It took us a couple of awkward visits to finally start talking. It happened pretty randomly. Erwin’s father, teacher Smith, suggested that we should start playing chess. Erwin was supposedly very good at it, so he could start teaching me.

He _was_ good at it. A prodigy, to be fair. But, I wasn’t interested in chess other than looking at beautiful wooden pieces. So, when he started explaining the basics to me, I’ve tried to follow simply out of courtesy. However, it got boring soon, mostly because Erwin kept winning all the time. 

“Can we change that rule?” I asked, slightly annoyed by his intelligence. I felt stupid around this boy.

“No.” He looked slightly offended with my question. Like the change of one simple rule would mean the end of the world, as my younger self noted then. 

“Can we do something else instead?” I asked again. He won the game thrice in a row. 

“Like what?” he asked politely. But I was annoying to him as much the game was annoying to me. 

“Let’s make up stories,” I offered. That’s what I would usually do to amuse myself.

“What stories?” he was confused. I assume I was strange to him. 

“About the chess-pieces, naturally. We have two armies. Two kings. Two queens. Let’s make stories for them. The most interesting story wins.” 

I had very active imagination as a child, thanks to my father, Robert von Amsel, who is established writer, novelist and a poet. His works are interpreted in many ways, in various places, including the Grand Opera House of Mitras. My mother often plays characters from his works when on stage. 

“Let’s try it, then.” Erwin was opened to suggestions. He had always been. So, we finally found a way to communicate with each other, and when we finally started… we couldn’t stop. 

You could talk about anything and everything with Erwin Smith. Really. He was smart, and well-mannered, and didn’t mock you for your ideas, no matter how stupid they might have seemed at the time. He was patient with me, and taught me many things. I’ve started looking forward to his arrivals, which grew to be frequent because his father, Mr. Smith, became my private tutor. 

We grew quite fond of each other, and I couldn’t wait for Erwin’s next visit. He became my friend, my confidant, and I felt like he could understand me much better than all the girls I used to be friends with. Our friendship only got better with years. My mother even started to tease me for my excitement prior to Erwin’s arrivals. 

“You changed two dresses and combed your hair twice already,” she would laugh, and I would keep combing my hair for the third time anyway. The nanny had already given up on trying to make my hair for me, I’d ruin it and try to make it better myself. 

“I want to be beautiful for our guests,” I bluntly admitted, and my mother’s smile became even wider. 

“You have any particular guest in mind, Aurora?” 

“No,” I lied. 

“It’s not appropriate to lie to your own mother, you know.” 

“I am sorry.” 

“You like Erwin?” she was direct.

“No...”

“Aurora.”

I was blushing at that moment. I remember it like it was yesterday, not a few decades ago. I took a deep breath and confessed. It was the boldest and the most honest confession I’ve ever made. 

“I love him. I want to marry him.”

Her laughter was filled with joy and amusement. “My, my. Are you sure?” 

“Yes!” 

“What about his funny eyebrows?” She teased further, knowing that at first wasn’t fond of them.

“His eyebrows are just fine, there’s nothing wrong with them!” 

You learn to see things a bit differently when affection clouds your judgment. My mother knew it too. With time, I grew fond of Erwin’s eyebrows, and everything else. 

“You are so determinate, dear. Does he know about your plan?” 

“No.”

“Does he share your… feelings?”

“N… I am not sure. No.”

“And what are you going to do about it?” 

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want me to…”

“NO!” I snapped. I was confused, and didn’t know how or why people end up together, or marrying each other, but I felt that Erwin was someone I would marry. Even if I knew him just for a couple of years, I was absolutely sure that he was the kind of boy I would marry. 

I am afraid that he still is. For a goodness's sake, will I ever learn? 

\- - - - - - - - 

_“Let’s play a game.”_

The chess was our usual way to solve things. The deal was standard: if he wins, he gets what he wants. If I win, I can ask of anything that I want that is within his power. 

Clear rules, fair fight.

I set the table for him, and we started playing. It took us almost two hours before I’ve realized that he will beat me in the next four moves, and that I can’t do anything about it. He was politely looking at me, then at the chess-board, all while I was focusing hard to think of the solution from a clearly inevitable situation. After I saw defeat, so painfully and clearly… I placed my king down. There was no need to continue playing further.

“A wise decision,” Erwin smiled.

“Must you mock me?” I rolled my eyes. 

“I’d never mock you,” he stated, “though, there was that one time when…”

“Stop _right_ there. I was ten.”

Erwin’s smile was gentle and genuine. “You were quite daring for a ten-year-old girl.”

“Don’t mention it.”

I reached for a cigarette, for the second time that afternoon, but remembered that Erwin wasn’t very fond of my bad habit. 

“State your terms. A deal is a deal, and I shall respect it.” 

Commander was pleased. “You know what I am about to ask, since I already did. But I still want to be a gentleman, and to give you a choice. So, madam Amsel, will you accompany me to the performance which will help to our fund-rising?” 

Oh, look at my dear supreme officer. Acting all kind and noble. 

“Erwin, you are such a manipulator. Just so you know, _I can_ resist your _undeniable charm_.”

“Oh, I am well aware you can. But will you resist me then, or I can count on you?” 

“Only if you promise that we won’t talk to any suspicious-looking gentlemen my mother tries to throw at me.” 

“You have my word. I will be there to assist with all the undesirable men you face. We will stay for the performance, make our appearances… and we will only greet your parents. Then, we will have a drink or two, and get back to our boring, dull and highly-dangerous lives. That’s all.”  

All, dear Commander? It’s never like that for us. 

“Hopefully. Will you bring the Central Unit? Levi’s Special Operations’ Squad?” 

“I will bring anyone and everyone who is willing to go. After all, it’s an event which concerns the whole Scouting Legion.”

He’s got a point. But again, this is Erwin. When does he not have a point?

“Good.” 

My superior looked through the window, his eyes filled with colors of twilight sky. 

“Regulus can drive us if you prefer your own servant to manage the carriage,” he offered.

Ah. Back to sensitive topics already, and we have barely survived the previous one. 

“Regulus is still in the Capital, guarding prisoner Hoover,” I admitted to Erwin. 

“Still? Haven’t you already sent cadets Krieger and Brandt to help cadet Sohner with that duty?” he wanted to confirm, and I nodded, providing the desired answer. 

“Oh, I did. And while I am pretty confident that young cadets will manage to keep that boy safe and sound, I can only rest assured if Regulus is with them. I need him there.” I probably said that to reassure myself more than I wanted to reassure Erwin, who was looking at me like he was trying to comprehend the reasons I did all that stuff.

“You assigned him your personal guards. If I remember correctly, I ordered Burkhard Krieger and Georg Brandt to keep you safe while you are operating as the leader of the North Unit. You deliberately gave them up for Hoover’s protection, and I was fine with that. But, to give Regulus away was very unlike you, and just as foolish as it is. You remain unprotected, Aurora.”

Erwin’s expression became very serious. I leaned onto my arm, supporting my head with my palm.

“Well, since I am _constantly_ inside Walls, I presume that I am quite safe. I don’t need those boys to guard me, and you already know that. Regulus also has duties of his own - I don’t always keep him by my side even if he is my most reliable servant. He has a life of his own. What truly bothers you is the fact that I haven’t consulted you before taking any of these actions, and that I haven’t informed you about my plans.” 

Commander Handsome still wore that serious expression of his. 

“Is that how you really think of me? That I am upset you didn’t tell me you moved the Colossal Titan from Utopia?”

“Well, you better be, or I will find your judgment clouded,” I warned him.

“Why? Because my concern is for your well-being, rather than Bertholdt Hoover’s?” he challenged, looking directly in my eyes. 

“Exactly,” I returned the favor. “You don’t get to choose me over Hoover.”

The silence that followed was almost awkward. 

“I do, as a matter of fact. You are Major. A high-ranking officer in the military. I value your life more than I value the life of a treacherous cadet and recently discovered titan-shifter. Call it subjective, call it imprudent, but that’s how it is. By renouncing all your guards, you make an easy target for those who would make a move against you - and there are people who don’t like your position or your power. You may think you are safe within Walls… but the truth is, nobody is. Not truly. You know I have a point there.”

I rose from my seat, and removed the chess board from the table.

“Like I said… you don’t have to worry about me. Contrary to my rusty titan-killing skills… I do possess a good and very active set of efficient combat abilities.”

“My concern for you still remains.”

Careful with those words, Erwin. They will awake old hopes, and old memories. I will even go that far to misunderstand you. So, be careful. 

“I appreciate it. I do.” That was all I could say, really. Any other response… any other insinuation... 

I shook my head. “Let’s leave the things the way they are regarding Hoover. I believe I brought a good decision, and if I didn’t... well, the time will tell. Let me decide what to do with my unit, with my people, and have a little faith in my choices. I’d appreciate that too.“

Commander smiled. “I wouldn’t support your choice in front of the Military Court if I didn’t believe in that decision.” 

Erwin rose from his seat, slowly. He approached me.

“I was just implying that you remain exposed to threat. And with recent discoveries regarding the royal family and the line of succession… I’d say you are in danger, simply because you know more about this world than you should. Besides, it’s somewhat a public secret that we are close, and you know that being close to me only brings misfortune and bad luck to those who stand my ground.”

“I stand your ground no matter what. It will never change for me.”

“And that’s exactly what worries me.”

Erwin wants to protect me. There’s no doubt about it. However… I knew what troubled him more than protecting those around him. It wasn’t just… the matter of learning the truth which Government was hiding, or the matter of Reiss family or King Fritz. It was dealing with guilt. Erwin feels responsible for others, even when he is able to send them to their deaths. 

It’s the guilt that breaks him from the inside, and wrecks his world. He doesn’t have to say any of this, I know it simply by knowing him.

Erwin’s father, my tutor, died for looking into the history of the Walled World and sharing his knowledge with his curious, bright young son. He literally died for being too smart, and from sharing his conclusions with Erwin, who wasn’t aware what he was doing at that time. Erwin changed drastically after Mr. Smith died, because he was the one who caused the death of his father, without even realizing it at first.

He stopped smiling, stopped talking… he was in shock. No one was able to reach out to him fully, or tell what was really on his mind. He became even more serious than he used to be, and swore that he will clarify the murder of teacher Smith - a cause he set ever since he was a child - up to the current day. He still feels the burden of unknowingly betraying his father, and that’s why he never completely opens up to anyone, not even to me. I just… wish that he would, for his own well-being. Moreover… I hate pulling the words out of him, and forcing him to open up… but someone has to do it, from time to time… so why not me?

He was standing in front of me, all powerful, tall and strong, and yet… I saw that child I once knew. That serious, sweet boy who was determined that he wouldn’t cry, and swore he’d dedicate his life to finding out the truth after they took his father from him and murdered him in cold blood in another city. I felt like… I should say something. Anything. 

“Nothing is going to happen to me, Commander. I am just a soldier who revises really boring piles of reports, guards and observes prisoners, and takes care of the military archive. It doesn’t get any more boring than that.” 

“Aurora…” he started, but I already knew everything he was about to say. 

“Shhh. Come over here.” 

I did what I did back then, all those years ago. I opened my arms. He was always bigger, always taller, so I had to reach up for him. He hugged me back, hesitantly, and gently. I inhaled his scent, felt his heartbeat against my chest, and he only hugged me stronger. I didn’t know who needed that hug more… me or him. I felt his hand in my hair, he was touching my braid, stroking it in a slow motion. I’d hug him whenever I felt I lacked words to comfort him. I hugged him when he lost his parents, when he lost his comrades, I hugged him when he lost his arm. But no matter how often I do that… it simply feels like it’s not enough. I wanted to heal him, heal his soul from all the pain, all the remorse, and all the torment. But I couldn’t, because he wouldn’t let me. He wouldn’t let anyone.But again...

“You are an exceptional woman… you know that, right?” he lowered his lips and whispered those words into my ear. I couldn’t let go of those broad shoulders, of his warm embrace.  

“It’s just a hug, Commander.” I tapped his back twice, “anyone can do this for you.” 

I probably should have stepped back in that moment, but I couldn’t. Who knows when he will be in the mood to remotely touch me like this again? 

“It’s Commander now, not Erwin?” he teased. “Anyone could, but _anyone_ is not _you_. It simply doesn’t feel the same.” Yeah. For me neither. 

“I almost feel special,” I rolled my eyes. “I already told you I will go with you to mother’s concert, so you can stop with teasing before I get the wrong idea.”

“You are so painfully direct when you want to be.” He touched my face with his left hand. His fingers felt warm against my cheek. I touched them with my own. 

“I’ve learned in harder way that I should be direct… at least, with you.” 

His eyes were filled with something I couldn’t understand. They seemed cold, but were warm in the same time. Him being this close to me was… dangerous. More dangerous than I could ever imagine. A simple touch was… frustrating as much as it was desired. 

“I shall have people prepare the room for you, Erwin. You must be tired.” With that, I pushed him away in the most polite way possible. I needed an air. I needed... what did I need, exactly? 

In the next moment, I was in a hallway, searching for Rothstein. I gave an order to my cadet to arrange a guest bedroom for our Commander. I knew that, after such a tiresome journey, Erwin will want to rest and sleep over in the Northern Unit Sector. Therefore, I also asked soldiers to prepare a dinner and to salute Commander in appropriate way when he arrives. Doing all that, I cooled my head, and my mixed feelings off.

I was completely calm when I returned in my office.


	4. Echoes Of Our Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don't ask. I won't be able to explain myself, my only excuse is... ERWIN!!!!!!!!! 
> 
> (Well, other than this chapter was written, deleted, and re-written again, so excuse the shitty quality of it. It's a recycled chapter after all -_-)

MAGNETIC - Echoes Of Our Past (pt. 4) by galateabellator, Apr 28, 2015, 3:42:36 PM Literature / Fan Fiction / Romance

_Warning: Implied sexual content, but not descriptive enough for a warning. Correct me if I am wrong._

**PART 4 – ECHOES OF OUR PAST - Erwin x OC**

I found him looking at my book collection, placed behind my working desk and my chair. The shelves were filled with all kinds of titles, containing various subjects/themes, from romance novels and theatrics plays to serious scientific research and history of the Walled World. I had all the existing tomes regarding our militia, from the earliest days, as well as the history of our monarchs. 

Needless to say, I also had some forbidden materials in my possession, hidden from the prying eyes. Some of my books contained information about erased events from humanity’s and military’s history, through testimonies of imprisoned individuals, written during their regular trials, but also during the torture that was bestowed upon them in times they weren’t so eager to speak and share the vital matters regarding Walls. Some of those testimonies were really disturbing, especially during the time of the infamous Grand Rebellion. 

Erwin was thoroughly checking the top shelf. 

“Anything interesting?” I asked, closing the door behind us. 

“There are many that peek my interest here. But as far as I can tell, you have… around… seven new titles, if I am correct?” 

“Nine, actually. You missed those in the bottom shelf.” 

“Oh,” he glanced down, and looked back at me, “right.” 

He looked at the desk where we have previously played the chess. “I am curious about one thing. In case that you won, and not I… what would you ask from me?” 

What would I ask, indeed? _Let’s keep that a secret_. I’ve responded diplomatically. 

“Something equally unpleasant to you as the whole fund-raising event-attending is unpleasant to me, my dear Commander. You were lucky enough to beat me this time so it doesn’t matter now, does it?”

“Hm. Probably not,” he went through his hair, smoothing it behind. 

I enjoyed the sight shortly before I remembered what I wanted to say to the Commander in the first place. “The dinner will be prepared soon. The room is already at your disposal. You can go rest anytime you see fit.” 

“You are already _that_ bored with me, Aurora?” he smiled softly.

“What kind of deduction is that?” I smiled back. “I can never get bored with you, Erwin. It’s you who placed me in the Utopia in the first place to get rid of me, remember?” 

Erwin gave me one of his disapproving glances, and sighed. 

“And here we go again. How many times do I have to explain…”

“… that you did that only because you needed someone you can trust with this position? You needn’t explain, Erwin, I know that. But don’t deny you also did it because it was convenient.” 

“Convenient?” he raised his eyebrows. “If you want to believe I am that kind of man… then there’s nothing I can say that will change your mind. Hence, I won’t deny anything, or confirm anything… _my dear Aurora_.”

“You never do, but you don’t have to for my sake. I am not that kind of woman either,” I stated, before remembering an old advice I had to give myself every now and then regarding Erwin. I shouldn’t let my emotions get the better of me in his presence. And via this… almost furious response, I imagine I ranked low in this little test of his. Not that I particularly care, though, it’s not as if I’d gain, or lose anything in the process. 

I approached him, confidently and calmly. “Your dear Aurora is only speaking her mind, Commander. Including topics she is bothered with, and dissatisfied with. You wouldn’t like me if I was behaving any other way.”

“That’s true. But you also have to know that I am simply doing what I believe is best. For both humanity, and you. I am trying to do what’s in everyone’s best interest,” he reminded me.

“Oh, I know. Trust me. But did you ever think how the rest of us might feel while you are doing what you believe is best?” I asked, just for the sake of asking. I already presumed what his answer will be. 

“All the time. But you already knew that… didn’t you?” 

Yes. Yes I did. “I am aware.” 

I got a bit tired of our conversations. We would disagree about something, then agree, and start talking about things we both knew. Many of our conversations start with something like: “I am trying to do what’s best and lead humanity this way or that way,” and we usually insert all kinds of philosophical and moral remarks during our debates. The responses aren’t very witty or creative, they often end up in a simple: “I know”. That goes for both of us. When Erwin starts talking about something, I instantly know what he will say and end his sentence, or he finishes my own in my stead. We know each other that well. 

Also, the small talks were the safest for us, so we both kept that course during our conversations. He talked about books, I talked about dinner, and all was well on the surface. It seemed it was the time for another small, safe talk. So, I continued. 

“Let’s get downstairs and have you fed. You are my guest, dear Commander, and I love to treat my guests in the best way I can.” That went without saying. 

He lowered his head a bit. “So, aside being your Commander… you now degrade me to being your guest too?” he offered his hand to me and I took it. 

“I wasn’t aware any of those were _a degradation_ to your great persona,” I remarked, joking along the way. “The term ‘guest’ suggests that the person is important, and that person needs to be treated with kindness and generosity, doesn’t it? Also… guests always get special treatment, don’t they?”

“Not necessarily. Also, the term itself can refer to people who you know, and don’t know. A guest… could be someone who is close to you, but also someone who is a stranger, even if you show him all the necessary hospitality.” 

“And what exactly do you want to be, Erwin?” I challenged, looking directly at his eyes. We were long past due of being shy around each other, and even if I did feel a bit… embarrassed, I still didn’t want him to make me feel this way, just because he could. “You aren’t a stranger so it isn’t important. What do you want me to say?” 

“I want you to refer to me like I was your friend, of course. Commander and Major, that’s too… formal. A guest and a host, that’s plain ridiculous. Aren’t we more than that? Aren’t we _friends_ , just like you’ve stated before?” 

He did this on purpose. I saw it in his eyes, I heard it in his words. Something sharp went right through my heart and pierced it. Or, that’s how I felt like anyway. I couldn’t stop myself from making a short grimace before I made my face look calm and cold again.

“Of course we are. _Best friends_ , if I am not alone in this sentiment.” If I was ill mannered like one of my sharper-tongued cadets… or like Corporal Ezra Schwarz, for instance… the term asshole would have come to mind somewhere in there. But I was raised to be a lady, _so I would never think of such a thing about my dearest friend, the Commander._

He stopped me by stopping in front of me to cut my way out. 

“Are we, now?” he caught my hand with his own, fingers of his left palm intertwined with my own.

“What do you think you are doing?” I asked him. 

“I don’t know. What am I doing, Aurora?” he asked me back instead of properly replying. He invaded my personal space by approaching me closer than necessary. 

“You are going too far,” I whispered, wanting to pass him by and get out for some air. This was too much. Him being here was too much. 

“Too far,” he repeated, softly measuring those words along the way. “Is that how you really feel?” 

_No, it isn’t. You are well-aware, and that’s why you are doing this. You are provoking me, you are testing me. You want to see whether I still live in echoes of our long, complicated past, and how much of an acting I am putting when you are near. You’ve seen right through me._

He bowed down. His lips were so close to my own, it was immensely hard to resist the urge to taste him and let him consume me, like only Erwin could. He tempted me, in the cruelest and the kindest possible way, all in the same time. Just to see how much power he still holds over me. 

“It is. I think I will skip the dinner, I am tired. _Enjoy your meal, Commander_.” 

I rushed out, losing all the appetite I might have previously had, and leaving him to find his way to the kitchen. After all, he knew this place almost as good as I did, and my soldiers were all at his disposal anyway. I went to my room and slammed the door as hard as I could, still shaking. I didn’t bother to turn on the candles, I just sat on the chair next to my bed and inhaled deeply in that darkness. It felt like… something heavy prevented me from inhaling the air. Like I will choke. I unbuttoned my shirt and took off my military jacket, making myself more comfortable. I’ve removed the straps of my uniform, and started breathing normally again. 

Years have passed. _Years_. And he suddenly does… things like this. I didn’t like it. I didn’t have to like it, and I could express how hurt I am, since he was able to tell regardless of how hard I try to hide. 

_Easy there, lady Von Amsel. Easy there…_ my coachman would say, in his hoarse, calm voice. I wished he was here, to make things easier for me. I’ve reached for inner pocket of my trousers and pulled a pack of cigarettes. I wished so badly Regulus was present, since with him by my side, I could control my appearance in front of Erwin and remain absolutely calm. But Regulus was absent, and Erwin came. The worst-case scenario, in this very building, tonight. Dear God.  

When we were left alone like this… like always, the things would heat up, and escalate quickly… and I would find myself wanting, and almost doing things that one lady isn’t supposed to feel, or want, or do. There was something… primal… in that desire I felt towards Erwin. There are things that happened between us that I should never, never even think about, yet alone talk about and share them around. With anyone. For one, they hurt. For two, we aren’t lovers. We are nothing. 

And whatever happened in the past is only that – past, and I am not supposed to live for memories that are killing me on the inside. Erwin had always been a complicated man. He was always… job-oriented, devoted to the military, devoted to his own agenda. I have always known what it means to love that kind of man. But knowing it didn’t help it to hurt less. 

I’ve made mistakes along the way too. It’s not like I am blaming Erwin when I am perfectly aware I made some serious errors in my forced attempt to suppress him from my thoughts, from my heart. I can’t blame Erwin for something I’ve ruined. And who I’ve ruined, other than me.  

But Erwin isn’t making things any easier either, especially when he acts this way. 

I’ve lit the cigarette, and unbraided my hair, letting it flow over my back. I messed it up with my hand, throwing it over my left shoulder. I was pressing the filter between my lips and inhaling the fume, then releasing it into the air, watching it form small, thin lines that were stretching and curving further, dancing, until they dispersed and disappeared completely. 

I’ve looked myself in the mirror which was placed next to my bed. I’ve touched the hideous scar under my left eye, remembering how I got it, and what that gentle, and cruel man said to me after I complained about my ruined face. I sighed, and tapped the cigarette in the ashtray on the desk. I wasn’t sure whether it was because of the fume… but the tears clouded my vision and I forcefully rubbed my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt. 

My head hurt and I was tired. The best decision right now… is probably to get ready for bed and sleep until I forget that these things ever happened. I will survive the cursed fund-raising and I will get through the whole Commander-problem, just not now. I need to accept this all somehow, and get back to that… all… friendship/comrade charade. Just not… now. 

I’ve almost finished up my cigarette, when the door opened. I knew it was him without evening turning my head towards him, because he was the only one who didn’t knock on my door. All my team-mates obliged knocking as a strict rule, but not him. He just came in as he pleased. His steps were quiet for a man of his constitution. 

“Get out,” I said. “Go away.”

“You sound like a terrified child.” His voice was deep, and calm. He leaned down to my chair, and got on his knee since he was too tall to face me on his feet. 

“Erwin. Don’t make me repeat myself, and stop making a fool of yourself,” I threatened and he just smiled, like he really had to deal with a spoiled child. 

“Answer one thing for me. Once you do that, I will go away, just like you requested.” 

I impatiently rose in my chair, and wanted to turn my cigarette down in an ashtray, but he took it from me and took the last smoke. 

“What do I need to answer?” I asked. He made a brief pause, by throwing the stub in the ashtray afterwards. He wrapped thick strands of my hair against his wrist and gently pulled them. It didn’t hurt, but it made me face him. I was annoyed. 

“What would you ask if you were the one to win?” 

“Oh God. That again? Does it matter?” 

“Obviously.” 

“Hm. I would ask you to recite the whole passage from mother’s libretto in a highest, tiniest female pitch you’re able to produce… in front of all guests that assembled to listen to Freja. Something like that. I wasn’t into details yet,” I said. 

“Are you aware that you are lying to your superior officer? I might have to punish you, regardless of how close we are.” His hand slid down from my hair to my neck, and even in darkness, his eyes were piercing. My heartbeats grew with each move he made. He touched right where my heart was threatening to jump out. His face was a few centimeters away from mine.

“This isn’t like you, Erwin,” I gasped. His lips rubbed against mine, slowly, gently, and he asked for an entrance. I hesitated. I still hesitated… but I responded by slowly moving my own lips. 

“You are right. I am not myself when I am around you, I can’t think clearly,” he admitted, and I was surprised to hear it. I really didn’t expect… not after all this time.

“All I think about… is you… and how I want you, so let’s stop this game,” he licked my lower lip, and inserted his tongue in. I let him in, but started battling his tongue with mine. No. No… this has to stop. We will ruin it all, again…

“Erwin…” I whispered. 

“If this is too far,” he said, breathing heavily, his eyes focused on my own, “if this is too much…” 

“It’s nowhere near enough,” I’ve responded, and pulled his face towards me, kissing him aggressively. We are going to regret this. He is probably going to feel bad after it ends. I am probably going to feel that way too, because of him. We were a mess beyond repair. 

But right now, I am not the one who is able to think clearly either, so I won't be the one stop it. Not this time, anyway.


End file.
